


Passively Numb

by AidenFlame



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 19:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17371907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AidenFlame/pseuds/AidenFlame
Summary: I don't need to go to a heart doctor! I drink everyday, I sleep 3 hours every night and I have multiple sex partners- I'm doing everything right!





	Passively Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited, feel free to point out errors/improvements :)

"I don't need to go to a heart doctor! I drink everyday, I sleep 3 hours every night and I have multiple sex partners- I'm doing everything right!" Barney scoffed, taking another deliberate sip of his scotch, pointedly avoiding the scrutinous gaze he knew would be aimed his way by Lily.

Thankfully, the conversation was quickly moved on by Robin mentioning her renewed desire to get a dog, but Barney knew he wouldn't be able to dodge Lily's well intentioned - yet irritating- concern for long.

He snuck a fond look up at his auburn haired friend when he was certain her attention was entirely invested in begging Ted to allow Robin to have a canine companion. Ok, so maybe irritating wasn't entirely accurate. Barney would be lying if he said he didn't find Lily's special, almost motherly, concern for his welfare -both physical and emotional--touching, but damn it he had a reputation to maintain.

Lily wasn't by any means the only member of the gang to have picked up on Barney's glaringly obvious father issues, or his chronic self esteem and image anxieties, but she was (so far) the only one to have gently confronted him about them. The minorly annoying part was her refusal to ever leave him to it once she sensed a relapse.

Sure enough, as soon as everyone was getting ready to leave McLarrens, Lily found an excuse to drag him into the back ally for her impromptu counselling/intervention. Or, as she liked to put it-

"Countervention!" Lily exclaimed, firmly shutting the backdoor behind her. She knew Barney never opened up if there was a chance of being overheard. 

Barney rolled his eyes, shoving his hands into his pants pockets and rolling his shoulders up. 

"What Lily, what have I done now? In fact don't tell me, just let me back inside, it's cold out here and I don't wanna be more sick when I meet Nora..." he allowed his indignation to peter off into a whine.

"Nope" she replied, crossing her arms, emphasising the 'P' into a pop. She leant against the door, showing her friend that she didn't intend to budge until she was satisfied with the outcome of... whatever this was about.

Barney sighed, folding his arms loosely, gingerly leaning against the dumpster, subconsciously mirroring her stance. He gestured for her to go ahead and get this whole exchange over with. 

"You're doing it again aren't you?" 

Barney opened his mouth ready to fein ignorance, but was immediately hit with the infamous 'Ms Aldren' stern glare, so instead he just shrugged fruitlessly.

"Barney" Lily sighed, stepping closer to him and reaching out a sympathetic hand to rub his upper arm "you have to start taking care of yourself. I know it can be hard, and scary, but I'll go with you if-"

"It's not" Barney interrupted her, side stepping herb touch and crossing his arms tighter across his chest "it's not that, Lils, I'm not scared or worried that they might find something they couldn't or anything. I'm worried because they might find something they  _could_ treat."

Lily's brows furrowed "wait I'm confused. What exactly are you saying here?"

Barney paced a few steps, rubbing his forehead, trying to put words around the feeling he'd had since his mid teens but had never voiced before.

"It's like this, if...if I get my prostate checked and they find a problem, I then have to get that problem fixed. But, BUT if I  _don't_ get it checked, the problem is still there doing its thing, but because I don't know about it, I don't get it fixed. See?"

Lily's brows furrowed more "If anything I'm more lost than before."

Barney growled in frustration, throwing his hands up and then bringing his palms together, as if praying for the words he needed to give Lily.

"Lily, if I have a heart condition that could kill me, as soon as I know about it it's my fault if I then choose not to stop it from killing me. Just like if I bring someone back to my apartment who I know for sure is unstable and might harm me if I say, lie to them, break their heart and then kick them out after sleeping with them, that's my own fault, but if they were a random one night stand who's emotional instability I had no idea about, it's just a tragic mistake in judgement. Or if look when I cross the road, see an oncoming vehicle and step out anyway, that's all on me, but if I don't look at all, run out and get hit by-"

"-a bus" Lily whispered, suddenly hit by a memory. "Barney... Do you... do you really want to die?" tears that had been forming over the last few minutes now ran uninhibited down her cheeks as she stared at him in horror. 

He suddenly wished he could take it back, but as selfish as he guessed it made him, it felt good to have finally given form and reason to those feelings. Plus he has always found it hard to lie to Lily. It'd be like lying to a bunny.

"It's not that I necessarily want to die" he said softly, honestly "it's more that I don't want to live."

They stared at each other in silence, Lily with tears still falling down her face, Barney wishing he could say something to make them stop. She opened her arms out, and he gladly stepped into her maternal embrace. In all her years of meddling in her friends lives, Lily had never come up against a problem she didn't know how to fix.

Until now. 

She felt him relax into the hug and her heart broke picturing a world without Barney Stinson. No, she didn't know how to fix his problem, but she knew for damn sure that she was gonna try. 


End file.
